Yesterday was one of my girls’ birthdays. Her bio dad sent her an email wishing her a happy birthday and that her sister would be bringing her a gift from him.
When she told us, my other daughter (her older sister) said “I’m still waiting on my birthday gift he said he would send me.” That was 7 months ago.
I can hear the pain in her voice. This same daughter has a great relationship with her step-dad, but to feel rejected by a bio parent is still devastating. I think she’s learned to accept who her dad is over the years as she’s now a young woman, but it doesn’t hurt any less.
When my oldest left the house, she was very angry at me. We had established rules of the house, and she wanted nothing to do with them. She had battled me over education for years, not wanting to fulfill graduation requirements, and hiding in her grandparents room watching TV and playing on their computer. By the time she moved out on her own, the only requirements we had for her were cleaning up after herself (all family chores were abolished as she didn’t do them anyway).
Apparently, I must have done something so grievous (in her eyes) that she cut me off completely as soon as she moved out. Less than 9 months later in an apartment with friends, she had a breakdown and chose refuge at her bio dad’s house, still keeping me on silent treatment. She is closing in on 3 years living there and no sign she is seeking independence, including not having steady job.
My door has always been open. For the first two years, I sent gifts and cards, and sent little messages online. Slowly, one by one, she cut me off of any way to contact her, then one day my exes wife told her to write me a letter telling me I was to no longer send her gifts.
How ironic, that now I’m not allowed to send gifts to my oldest child, and my ex who often leaves a child out of gifting, can’t see that he’s leaving out a child and it’s hurting.
To be honest, my oldest wasn’t that kind when she was home. The Christmas before she moved out, she didn’t have the best attitude. By her birthday (four months later) she had a horrible attitude. She ignored the pancake stack cake her sister made her, and the breakfast she said she would attend to celebrate her birthday, she instead stayed in bed and ignored her sisters. When we returned home from a road trip (she was invited to join us but declined) she had left not only the stack of pancakes untouched, but her gifts as well.
It’s hurtful. Intentionally hurtful. And she now has her wish, we just don’t try anymore.
In the end, I mostly feel sad for her. I can’t imagine her life is very fulfilling. My life had little meaning before children, even with college and work and friends.
She won’t have fulfillment without Jesus. I know that. And there’s nothing I can do to fix that.